What I Believe

I have gotten a few private inquiries into what my personal beliefs are over the past month. I don't flatter myself by thinking that people are overly interested in what I think or believe, but I've received enough inquiries to warrant me writing up a quick synopsis of what I do/don't believe.

So if I've just sent you this link, chances are you've asked me a religious-type inquiry. Don't mistake me sending you this blog as an impersonal response. I've just found that these are the most common questions I've been asked, and that writing them all up in one location will save me a substantial bit of time. If you feel that you still don't have an adequate understanding of my beliefs after reading this post, let's continue this conversation.

Q. Have you left the Church (of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints aka the Mormons)?

A. Yes. If you want to know more or why, please contact me personally.

Q. Why don't you believe/participate in the Church anymore?

A. I stopped believing in the LDS Church truth claims privately on August 21, 2004. Katie, Jolie and I were driving home from a day at the beach, and we had just driven over a hill on Wilshire Blvd. in Westwood, California. All my life I had struggled with certain LDS historical, doctrinal and social issues. For some reason at that one moment I had an epiphany - the Church leaders were humans, the Church was man-made, and all those issues could be attributed to the errors of man.

I don't want to get into the issues that I struggled with that all came to a head in that moment. If you want to have that discussion with me, we'll have to talk either in person or over the phone. I'm not in the business of de-converting people. Anyone who has had a "crisis of faith" knows how exhilarating and terrifying it is to have your entire world view completely fall apart. I'm not about to initiate that kind of experience for anyone.

For the next five years I was an active "pretender" in the church. I held callings, mostly in the Youth Organization (Stake Young Men's Presidency Counselor, Young Men's Advisor, Sunday School Instructor, etc.). I felt this was pretty easy for me, since I agree with most of (if not all) the principles we teach to the youth. I was able to distill gospel principles into common sense teachings that I felt comfortable passing down to young men and women. I was able to "tune out" most of the supernatural and mystical claims the church made, and tried to instead focus on the good virtues the church instilled in people.

Then Prop. 8 happened. I watched as the church's call for members to dedicate their "means, time and talents" to a measure that I did not think was inspired or worthy of the church's attention. Some church members (not all) viewed this as evidence that God sanctioned bigotry against homosexuals. More and more politics became commonplace in Sunday School and Priesthood lessons.

For me, the church had transformed from an institution that instilled good values into its members into a political machine. I had no interest in being a part of it anymore, and I started distancing myself emotionally from the church, and stopped participating in callings and attending classes. However, my disbelief was still secret at this point. I still attended sacrament meetings, but didn't actively participate in anything else.

Q. Why didn't you state your disbelief and leave the church as soon as Prop 8 started?

A. I was afraid. The church gives three main reasons for apostasy: serious sin, being offended by a member or leader, or laziness. Church members have been conditioned to automatically suspect that one or all of these three things have occurred in the lives of apostates. I was afraid that if I came out as an unbeliever, I could stand to lose everything.

Q: Why couldn't you have just continued attending church for the sake of your family?

A. This is a tough one. When I had my "epiphany" in 2004, I naively thought I could pretend to believe for the rest of my life.

Unless you've actually had to hide part of your personality, you will probably never know how mentally and physically exhausting it is. Over the course of 6 years there were thoughts, feelings and emotions that I wanted to share with the people closest to me, but couldn't because that would blow my cover as an unbeliever.

Even worse, I could see that hiding part of my personality was doing a serious disservice to my personal relationships, especially with my wife. I didn't like that there was part of my personality that I couldn't share with her. I wanted her to know all of me, and I was afraid that keeping part of me "secret" would eventually drive an emotional wedge between us.

So in early 2010, I came out as an unbeliever. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. In the eyes of friends and family I transformed from trustworthy to devious. People I had known for years suggested to my wife that I was not faithful, or that I was planning on being unfaithful or leaving. Some viewed me as a traitor to my faith, claiming that I just wanted to be accepted by "the world." Everything I feared would happen actually came true. I was viewed as your stereotypical angry ex-mormon with an axe to grind. To some extent this was a self-fulfilling prophesy, as I quickly became resentful and angry towards the people who hurt my feelings, and automatically became anxious when in Mormon company. Attending church became even more excruciating than before.

However, it does feel great to finally be myself. It's been a bumpy road and I've learned a lot along the way. If I could do it all over again I might change some of the decisions I made when I revealed my disbelief, but not a lot else. More than anything I'm relieved to not have to hide who I am anymore.

Q. Do you hate Mormons?

A. No. I'm married to a Mormon and I love her more than the entire world. My kids are Mormons. My parents and brothers are Mormons. If I hated Mormons, it would do some serious damage to my support network. I love my Mormon family.

Q. Do you think Mormons are stupid?

A. No. I was a believing Mormon for 25 years. I don't think I was stupid then or now. My wife is one of the smartest, wisest people I know. She is definitely not stupid. My brothers are not stupid. My parents are not stupid. I think it's perfectly reasonable to have religious beliefs and be an intelligent person. In fact, I love speaking with people I disagree with. Nothing is worse than living in an echo chamber where everyone agrees with each other for the sake of fitting in. I love that my wife isn't afraid to tell me that I'm wrong. It keeps me honest and on my toes.

Q. Are you sure you didn't leave the church just so you can sin?

A. Yes. To imply that I left the church to sin would imply that I also maintained belief in the church. Now that I'm public in my disbelief, I have the occasional beer after work or at dinner with friends. I don't get drunk or drink to excess. But that's pretty much the only difference in my life between then and now. I didn't abandon eternal salvation for the occasional beer.

Q. Are you sure that you weren't offended?

A. Yes. Anyone who knows me understands how hard-headed I am. People rarely prevent me from doing what I believe in. If I legitimately believed in the church, I would still be attending regardless of what anyone said or did to me at church.

Q. What do you believe now?

A. Currently I'm an agnostic atheist. This means that I still believe that there is a possibility that God or Gods exist, but that possibility is very remote. This also means that I've changed how I process new information. As a believer, I would try and fit all new information and data into my Mormon belief set. This led to a lot of mental gymnastics and apologetics. Now that I'm an unbeliever, I process new information at face value and determine it's veracity based on evidence for or against it.

Q. Since you're an atheist, what's stopping you from doing [insert horrible atrocity here]?

A. I believe that we're all human citizens of this pale blue dot careening through the universe at breakneck speeds. All we have are each other. It's each of our responsibility to make sure that we take care of each other and that life is as good as it possibly can be for. I still believe in the teachings of Jesus - that we glorify God and each other by loving our neighbor as ourselves. Regardless of whether or not heaven exists, it's our job to work to make this life as close to heavenly as we possibly can.

I think that pretty much sums it up. If I get any different questions, I'll update this post to include the answers.

If you have any other questions, call me or send me a note. I love you all.