What I Believe

I have gotten a few private inquiries into what my personal beliefs are over the past month. I don't flatter myself by thinking that people are overly interested in what I think or believe, but I've received enough inquiries to warrant me writing up a quick synopsis of what I do/don't believe.

So if I've just sent you this link, chances are you've asked me a religious-type inquiry. Don't mistake me sending you this blog as an impersonal response. I've just found that these are the most common questions I've been asked, and that writing them all up in one location will save me a substantial bit of time. If you feel that you still don't have an adequate understanding of my beliefs after reading this post, let's continue this conversation.

Q. Have you left the Church (of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints aka the Mormons)?

A. Yes. If you want to know more or why, please contact me personally.

Q. Why don't you believe/participate in the Church anymore?

A. I stopped believing in the LDS Church truth claims privately on August 21, 2004. Katie, Jolie and I were driving home from a day at the beach, and we had just driven over a hill on Wilshire Blvd. in Westwood, California. All my life I had struggled with certain LDS historical, doctrinal and social issues. For some reason at that one moment I had an epiphany - the Church leaders were humans, the Church was man-made, and all those issues could be attributed to the errors of man.

I don't want to get into the issues that I struggled with that all came to a head in that moment. If you want to have that discussion with me, we'll have to talk either in person or over the phone. I'm not in the business of de-converting people. Anyone who has had a "crisis of faith" knows how exhilarating and terrifying it is to have your entire world view completely fall apart. I'm not about to initiate that kind of experience for anyone.

For the next five years I was an active "pretender" in the church. I held callings, mostly in the Youth Organization (Stake Young Men's Presidency Counselor, Young Men's Advisor, Sunday School Instructor, etc.). I felt this was pretty easy for me, since I agree with most of (if not all) the principles we teach to the youth. I was able to distill gospel principles into common sense teachings that I felt comfortable passing down to young men and women. I was able to "tune out" most of the supernatural and mystical claims the church made, and tried to instead focus on the good virtues the church instilled in people.

Then Prop. 8 happened. I watched as the church's call for members to dedicate their "means, time and talents" to a measure that I did not think was inspired or worthy of the church's attention. Some church members (not all) viewed this as evidence that God sanctioned bigotry against homosexuals. More and more politics became commonplace in Sunday School and Priesthood lessons.

For me, the church had transformed from an institution that instilled good values into its members into a political machine. I had no interest in being a part of it anymore, and I started distancing myself emotionally from the church, and stopped participating in callings and attending classes. However, my disbelief was still secret at this point. I still attended sacrament meetings, but didn't actively participate in anything else.

Q. Why didn't you state your disbelief and leave the church as soon as Prop 8 started?

A. I was afraid. The church gives three main reasons for apostasy: serious sin, being offended by a member or leader, or laziness. Church members have been conditioned to automatically suspect that one or all of these three things have occurred in the lives of apostates. I was afraid that if I came out as an unbeliever, I could stand to lose everything.

Q: Why couldn't you have just continued attending church for the sake of your family?

A. This is a tough one. When I had my "epiphany" in 2004, I naively thought I could pretend to believe for the rest of my life.

Unless you've actually had to hide part of your personality, you will probably never know how mentally and physically exhausting it is. Over the course of 6 years there were thoughts, feelings and emotions that I wanted to share with the people closest to me, but couldn't because that would blow my cover as an unbeliever.

Even worse, I could see that hiding part of my personality was doing a serious disservice to my personal relationships, especially with my wife. I didn't like that there was part of my personality that I couldn't share with her. I wanted her to know all of me, and I was afraid that keeping part of me "secret" would eventually drive an emotional wedge between us.

So in early 2010, I came out as an unbeliever. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. In the eyes of friends and family I transformed from trustworthy to devious. People I had known for years suggested to my wife that I was not faithful, or that I was planning on being unfaithful or leaving. Some viewed me as a traitor to my faith, claiming that I just wanted to be accepted by "the world." Everything I feared would happen actually came true. I was viewed as your stereotypical angry ex-mormon with an axe to grind. To some extent this was a self-fulfilling prophesy, as I quickly became resentful and angry towards the people who hurt my feelings, and automatically became anxious when in Mormon company. Attending church became even more excruciating than before.

However, it does feel great to finally be myself. It's been a bumpy road and I've learned a lot along the way. If I could do it all over again I might change some of the decisions I made when I revealed my disbelief, but not a lot else. More than anything I'm relieved to not have to hide who I am anymore.

Q. Do you hate Mormons?

A. No. I'm married to a Mormon and I love her more than the entire world. My kids are Mormons. My parents and brothers are Mormons. If I hated Mormons, it would do some serious damage to my support network. I love my Mormon family.

Q. Do you think Mormons are stupid?

A. No. I was a believing Mormon for 25 years. I don't think I was stupid then or now. My wife is one of the smartest, wisest people I know. She is definitely not stupid. My brothers are not stupid. My parents are not stupid. I think it's perfectly reasonable to have religious beliefs and be an intelligent person. In fact, I love speaking with people I disagree with. Nothing is worse than living in an echo chamber where everyone agrees with each other for the sake of fitting in. I love that my wife isn't afraid to tell me that I'm wrong. It keeps me honest and on my toes.

Q. Are you sure you didn't leave the church just so you can sin?

A. Yes. To imply that I left the church to sin would imply that I also maintained belief in the church. Now that I'm public in my disbelief, I have the occasional beer after work or at dinner with friends. I don't get drunk or drink to excess. But that's pretty much the only difference in my life between then and now. I didn't abandon eternal salvation for the occasional beer.

Q. Are you sure that you weren't offended?

A. Yes. Anyone who knows me understands how hard-headed I am. People rarely prevent me from doing what I believe in. If I legitimately believed in the church, I would still be attending regardless of what anyone said or did to me at church.

Q. What do you believe now?

A. Currently I'm an agnostic atheist. This means that I still believe that there is a possibility that God or Gods exist, but that possibility is very remote. This also means that I've changed how I process new information. As a believer, I would try and fit all new information and data into my Mormon belief set. This led to a lot of mental gymnastics and apologetics. Now that I'm an unbeliever, I process new information at face value and determine it's veracity based on evidence for or against it.

Q. Since you're an atheist, what's stopping you from doing [insert horrible atrocity here]?

A. I believe that we're all human citizens of this pale blue dot careening through the universe at breakneck speeds. All we have are each other. It's each of our responsibility to make sure that we take care of each other and that life is as good as it possibly can be for. I still believe in the teachings of Jesus - that we glorify God and each other by loving our neighbor as ourselves. Regardless of whether or not heaven exists, it's our job to work to make this life as close to heavenly as we possibly can.

I think that pretty much sums it up. If I get any different questions, I'll update this post to include the answers.

If you have any other questions, call me or send me a note. I love you all.

Agreeing to Disagree

This week I read the Deseret News editorial "Agreeing to Disagree", which discusses Peter Vidmar's decision to step down as a Chief de Mission for the 2012 Olympic Team after receiving criticism from openly gay athletes for his support of Proposition 8.

The Deseret News article implores that people on all sides "agree to disagree" on the issue of gay marriage. To me, this is a bit tricky.

If you ask any LDS person, they will tell you that Proposition 8 is not really condemning homosexuals - it's about preserving the traditional family. And if you read "The Proclamation of the Family" which was drafted by the LDS First Presidency in 1995, "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."

What's more, the proclamation states that God "will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets" in the event that the family unit is disintegrated or violated.

The proclamation also implicitly lumps in same sex relationships and marriage with people who abuse their wives or children, child molesters and deadbeat parents.

So there you have it gay people. We don't hate you, but your desire to have a long-term monogamous relationsiop will bring about the end of the world, and in the eyes of God you may as well be a pedophile. You don't like that? Well, let's just agree to disagree and we'll move on.

I'm probably oversimplifying, but can you see how "Agree to Disagree" might fall flat with the LGBT community?

I have my own reason to disagree with this position, especially as a person who was active in the LDS church at the time the Proposition 8 campaign was in full swing. There was no opportunity for me to disagree with what was happening. The LDS Prophet had spoken in support of the legislation, and I could either donate my time, talents and means to the campaign or be branded a heretic. The experience for me was more akin to "Agree or Be Wrong."

Look, I'm for free speech. People should be allowed to say whatever they want, whenever they want. But actions and speech of this nature are going to make people angry, and public figures who back legislation that restrict the rights of an entire community are going to be subjected to public scrutiny and outrage. In my opinion, the LDS church did its members and local leaders a huge disservice by not preparing them for the inevitable backlash, but that's another story entirely.

As much as Peter Vidmar had a right to publicly back legislation banning gay marriage, these athletes have the very same right to publicly state their disgust with his actions.

At this point, I really wish the LDS Church would quit playing the victim and say "we were wrong about Prop 8." There is ample opportunity to make such a statement and still maintain their position on the sacredness of the family. And this would make things SO much easier for people like Peter Vidmar and others who really were just following orders.

But that will probably never happen, unless for some reason the church hires me to be their PR consultant.

Post-Rapture Thoughts

Another rapture has come and gone. What have we learned?

Well, I for one have been thinking a lot about probability. Was it probable that Harold Camping could have accurately predicted the rapture? Sure, anything is possible. But the odds were most likely astronomical, putting it generously.

Then again, what were the odds that you would be born exactly as you were? Think about that for a second. Go back through all your ancestors and think about what might have happened if your great-great-great-great-grandfather was unsuccessful in courting your great-great-great-great-grandmother. Would you still be you?

Now think about all the circumstances that had to be JUST right for your parentage to line up just the way it did - all the decisions that had to be made at just the right moment, all the life experiences that led your ancestors to be together, and all the genetics, memories, and experiences you have that make up who you are.

What were the odds that all those things would happen? I don't know for sure, but I'm willing to bet that 10,000 years ago the odds were against you ever existing.

But you beat the odds, and here you are! Way to conquer circumstances completely out of your control!

So what's my point in all this? While some things may seem completely implausible to us now, there are currently millions of improbable things happening around us every day. So instead of laughing at some old man and millions of followers that he bilked, let's all take a moment to think about life's little improbabilities that are actually happening right now.

Who's with me???

why i can't see the book of mormon musical

this post was inspired by michael otterson's recent op-ed in the washington post "why i won't be seeing the book of mormon musical."

i like matt stone and trey parker. i'm a fan of their entire catalog, from 'cannibal: the musical' to south park. i want to see this musical and like it.

full disclosure: i was raised mormon, but i don't believe in most of the church's truth claims. i still consider myself "mormon" in almost an ethnic sense. i'm proud of my mormon roots, and fully recognize the positive influence the church has had in my life. if you want to know more, call me. that's pretty much the extent of what i feel comfortable disclosing on the internet.

despite my non-traditional mormon-ness, i still have a love for all things mormon. i have a stack of books on my shelf about mormon history, i religiously subscribe to mormon-themed podcasts (produced by people both inside and outside the church), and i regularly find myself defending the church and its members whilst hanging out on the internet.

so would the love for my childhood faith stop me from seeing this musical? absolutely not. to me, being unfunny is a sin worse than blasphemy. i'll forgive pretty much anything as long as it's genuinely clever. and since two of my comedy heroes are behind this musical, i'd say there's a 95% chance the book of mormon musical is hilarious.

i couldn't see this musical because i have a feeling it would hit too close to home. from what i understand, the musical is about a couple of naive missionaries who arrive ready to preach the gospel to people in africa, but realize upon arriving that they are in no way prepared for the poverty they encounter.

as a kid, proselytizing was something i was never really comfortable with. i had my beliefs, other people have their beliefs. we all seemed to be doing fine with our own beliefs, so why try to change each each others minds?

in fact, as i prepared for my mission it was something that i had to rationalize in my mind. my mental dialog leading up to my mission was as follows: "don't worry about proselyting. you'll get there, and you'll just try your best to be an example of christ-like love and compassion, and your example will benefit people regardless of their faith."

i repeated this mantra in my head as i prepared for my mission. i repeated this mantra in my head to survive the MTC (missionary training center). and i repeated this mantra as i struggled to acclimate to life in north argentina.

but the stark reality was that the training that was given me in the MTC in no way equipped me to understand or help the people i was teaching.

in my first month of my mission we started teaching a husband and wife, maria and angel. they were a great family, and i really loved spending time in their home and getting to know them. they would tease my terrible accent, teach me slang words, and introduce me to new food. i remember one night they got me to taste this kind of bread that i can only assume was made with lard and flour. i immediately ran out to their back porch and threw up. while this sounds gross, it was one of the funniest moments of my mission.

one night we went to visit them, and maria's daughter was out front. she told us that angel was taken to the hospital earlier that day. we immediately took a bus to the hospital to visit angel.

what i saw when i got there i will never forget. it was an open-air hospital, and very dirty. you could hear cries as you walked through the outside corridors. we were taken to a "recovery room" that was full of semi-conscious people who had just been operated on. there were about 10 people in a room that should have held two at most.

my missionary companion was talking to maria, and a doctor took me to angel's bedside. angel's midsection had just been bandaged and blood was seeping through, and there was a tube coming out of his nose. angel was moaning and attempting to remove the tube from his nose - the doctor instructed me to hold his arm down to prevent him from taking out the tube.

i sat next to angel for 30 minutes holding down his arm, just looking at him. he was then given more sedatives, and we took a bus home.

when i got home, i just cried. i didn't know how to process what i had just experienced. i felt helpless, and i was in no position to provide any meaningful help for my new friends. in fact, i felt like my presence was almost mocking them - at any point i could leave the country and return home to my life of relative luxury. i almost felt like a poverty voyeur.

i can't see the musical because of this and other experiences on my mission. as clever as i'm sure the musical is, i'm just not prepared to re-live those painful episodes by song. those were real people, and the experiences are still too raw for me to find any humor in them, even 14 years later.

do i judge people who do find humor in it? absolutely not. their life experiences are different from mine, and there probably is some humor to be found in those types of situations. but i probably won't ever be able to bring myself to see it.

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